The deviants who run The Masked Singer once again ripped the head off of one of their contestants tonight—an act of rampant brutality that would end in prison sentences in most circumstances, but which here served only to reveal the true identity of one of the Fox show’s musical participants. Specifically, fans of the series—which you presumably are, to the extent that you clicked on this article, but not so much that you’d actually watch the show as it aired—were treated to the identity of the Wolf, the sixth contestant to be eliminated from the series’ ninth season to date.
Who was revealed to be an actual singer this time, in the form of Michael Bolton, who was sadly defeated by the spectacle of “DC Superhero Night.” Specifically, Bolton—who presumably has a good sense of humor about all of this, given his track record with comedy projects like Michael Bolton’s Big, Sexy Valentine’s Day Special—was knocked out via a performance of The Doors’ “Break On Through,” because, we guess, sometimes Superman breaks through walls? (Also, Robin Thicke dressed up as Robin. That’s clever!)
We were thus denied the possibility of hearing Bolton belt out his personal take on 3 Doors Down’s “Kryptonite,” which was the Battle Royale song for the evening. We were also denied our usual second elimination of the evening, as The Gargoyle, while losing to the Squirrel, was able to secure a “Keep” spot to keep them on the show. And so Bolton was forced to depart alone, after giving a brief interview: “It was a rollercoaster,” Bolton asserted in one segment, before demonstrating what we might term an “incomplete” grasp of how rollercoasters work: “Ups and downs and ups and downs…but mostly ups.” (Do not ride Michael Bolton’s rollercoaster; it will strand you in the sky.) In the end, Bolton announced a new album, sang a bit, and then departed for a lifetime of contemplating how much better he could have done by performing Crash Test Dummies’ “Superman’s Song” instead.
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