Friends, it’s that time of year again, by which I of course mean time for me and my former-Catholic-school irreverence to ruin the holiest of holy days by making it a sex thing. As we here at Cosmo have so generously demonstrated over the years, there are plenty of ways one can go about doing this, like giving the internet a very intimately detailed description of how much you want to fuck the Grinch, or ranking his fellow Christmas movie villains on their comparative bangability.
But, as Taylor Swift might say, don’t blame me. In case you haven’t noticed, Christmas was weirdly horny well before I got here. There’s Santa’s obvious sugar daddy thing, literally so, so much more yuletide pornography than anyone could possibly want, plus whatever’s going on with The Rockettes, which, as far as I can tell, is a supposedly family-friendly spectacle that seems to center on sexy dancing ladies with legs for days, just saying. (Christmas is a horny and confusing time, isn’t it? Don’t worry, it’ll all be over soon.) And then, of course, there’s the sexy Christmas songs.
Horny holiday music tends to represent a particularly unhinged subgenre of this seasonal catalog, anchored by kind-of-cringe classics like “Santa Baby” and the one where the kid catches his parents making out—which, literally why? I hate absolutely every aspect of that song and have never met a single person who feels differently. If you are that person, please let me know what I’m missing. JK, please never attempt to contact me—we are not the same and I want nothing TF to do with you and your rancid taste in Christmas music.
Anywayyy, I’m happy to report that in more recent years, unnecessarily sexy Christmas songs have gone through a pretty substantial glow up. I’m not saying many of them are really any more hinged, per se, than their predecessors. But they’re definitely better. And so, I, your resident chief of sexually-charged Christmas content, present to you my official ranking of the best, not-cringe sexy Christmas songs. May this soundtrack bring you peace as we all navigate this horny and confusing time together.
10. Santa Tell Me (Naughty Version) — Ariana Grande
Look, I’m just gonna say it: Ariana fully phoned it the fuck in on this one. When I first heard she was releasing a sexed-up version of this 2014 instant classic nine years after its OG release, I was like, “Wow, maybe a horny ‘Santa Tell Me’ is what my life has been missing for the past near-decade. Save me, horny ‘Santa Tell Me.’” And then she gave us two lines. TWO. LINES. That’s it. The entire rest of the song is exactly the same. She didn’t even throw in a fun and flirty outro. Nothing. Listen, ordinarily I respect Ariana’s quiet-quitting-coded choice to blissfully ignore her fans’ increasingly thirsty pleas for new music while she’s busy banging SpongeBob and being blonde. But this time, frankly, I expected more. The only reason this half-assed cash-grab even made this list is because I still respect Ariana’s reign as the rightful Queen of Christmas Pop (sorry, Mariah), but honestly, I fear her throne may be in danger after this travesty. I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.
9. Santa Baby — Ariana Grande, Liz Gillies
Okay I know I just called ”Santa Baby” cringe, which it is. But as far as renditions of this immortal ode to wanting to fuck Santa go, the Ariana and Liz Gillies version is superior. (Obviously Eartha Kitt’s reigns supreme, but I’m talking modern-day covers.) On a semi-unrelated note, I would also like to take a moment here to shout out baby Taylor Swift’s version, which is rendered remarkably sexless thanks to Debut Era Tay’s faux twang. Trust me, nothing sucks the sex out of things quite like a fake-ass country accent, which ends up making this song more cute than horny and thus...actually kind of better?
8. Glittery — Kacey Musgraves
This 2019 banger isn’t suuuper horny, sure, but it is at least a little bit sexually suggestive. I mean, getting shaken up and turned upside down by a lover doesn’t not sound kinky.
7. Cozy Little Christmas — Katy Perry
“A little whisky, we’re getting frisky,” and by “we,” Katy Perry apparently means she and Santa, with whom she enjoys a nude couple’s massage in the predictably over-the-top music video for this playfully flirty little number. TBH, I’m kind of surprised Katy Perry, queen of campy horn, hasn’t blessed us with anything more explicit in the holiday music department, but this will have suffice until she sees fit to drop a festive version of ”Peacock.” (“I wanna see your...yule log?” Just a suggestion!)
6. ’Tis the Damn Season — Taylor Swift
Okay, so this isn’t really a Christmas song in the traditional sense, nor is it really horny in the typical tongue-in-cheek kinda way that defines this subgenre. What it is, however, is a song about banging your high school ex when you go home for the holidays and also yearning, which I think definitely qualifies it for this list. If you feel differently, kindly submit a formal complaint to Kayla @ JK, don’t contact me dot com.
5. Buy Me Presents — Sabrina Carpenter
In which this rising Queen of Horny Christmas (Ariana, watch your back), implores her lover to drink her like a glass of warm milk and keep her “stocking” filled, because if he doesn’t deliver she’ll just fuck Santa instead. Ladies, it never hurts to remind your man that you have Other! Options!
4. December — Ariana Grande
Ah, yes, Christmas & Chill, the EP of exclusively horny Christmas bangers that cemented Ariana’s (ahem, now wavering!) status as the true Queen of Christmas Pop. Merry Christmas, here I am boy, indeed.
3. Wit It This Christmas — Ariana Grande
In which Ariana dares to ask the question on all of our horny, confused minds this time of year: “Are you down for some of these milk and cookies?”
2. Christmas Tree — Lady Gaga ft. Space Cowboy
My elder Gen Z is showing with this one, but listen—if you, like me, were in sixth grade when this song came out, it was a whole damn thing. Like, your crush Tyler probably played it for you on his iPod Shuffle at recess and you smiled knowingly at the lyrics even though you weren’t really quite sure how to decipher all this horny holiday innuendo because you were 11 and hadn’t 100 percent figured out how sex works yet, but also because it turns out sexual innuendo in Christmas music is pretty much borderline nonsensical as a rule. Which brings us to….
1. A Nonsense Christmas — Sabrina Carpenter
Ariana, take notes. This is how you sex up a re-release of an existing song, okay? Sabrina committed to the damn bit on this one and she nailed it. She did not have to go this hard, but she did. And, that, friends, is the true spirit of horny Christmas.
Kayla Kibbe (she/her) is the Associate Sex and Relationships Editor at Cosmopolitan US, where she covers all things sex, love, dating and relationships. She lives in Astoria, Queens and probably won’t stop talking about how great it is if you bring it up. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram.
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