How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
Where do I find sexy, high-quality, lace lingerie for men? I (30s F) want to get some for my husband (30s M) for Christmas. I recently noticed some of my underwear going missing but I thought the dryer was eating them or they were being misplaced because they tended to turn up after a while. One day, I returned from work and my husband was in the shower. I saw my underwear with his clothes where he had taken them off. I was surprised, but I was also turned on! I love the idea of a man wearing lace underwear. I didn’t say anything about it but since then, now that I’m keeping an eye out, I’ve noticed waistbands of my underwear over the top of his pants once in a while.
I’ve been thinking of getting him some lace or more feminine underwear as a Christmas gift (for our private gift exchange, not trying to embarrass him in front of family) because I think it would be a fun and sexy way to let him know that I’m aware and am down to add him dressing up to our sex life. I looked on Amazon but they have mostly silly things like an elephant where the guy’s shaft is meant to go in the trunk. I want to get him something sexy and dignified, not something that will make him feel silly.
—Victor’s Secret
Dear Victor’s Secret,
Generally speaking, lingerie as a surprise can backfire. You don’t know the details of what the person likes and fits can be fiddly. Shopping together has merit.
Unfortunately, search results for reviews are dominated by reviews of more traditional boxers, boxer briefs, and briefs. However, the search string “lingerie for men” will bring up several options in various styles and price points—some of which are quite classy, though quality is not assured.
So I reached out to Miss Veronica Vera, proprietress of Miss Vera’s Academy for Cross Gender Adventures, for some insight. She began with a reminder that it’s best to know his measurements before shopping. Vera said that “most lingerie shops are accommodating provided shoppers are cool, calm, and collected,” reminding us that in-person is always an option. She also mentioned Glamour Boutique and En Femme as having good reputations. In case your husband’s interest runs deep, Queen Pea, a dominatrix based out of Minneapolis, made special mention of the corsetry company Innova Corsetry.
Do consider having a talk with your husband about how turned on you are by thinking about him in lacy underwear, and extending an offer to shop together for something made for his body. Or, if you really want to broach the subject during your private gift giving this year, write him a nice note explaining your interest and draw up a cute coupon redeemable for one shopping session.
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Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a while now, about 11 years, and the same topic keeps coming up…him wanting a threesome. For context, I did bring it up in the past but shortly after I brought it up, I said I wasn’t interested anymore. He has cheated in the past and it definitely played a part in me changing my mind. I’ve never stepped out but did have a promiscuous past so I wonder if that is hanging over my head as far as him wanting one now.
So fast forward, the conversation keeps coming up and I just don’t know what to do. I work a lot and some nights we are not intimate because I’m tired from work and I’ve come home to cook, clean, and just spend time relaxing. I wouldn’t mind having the threesome but he keeps saying he wants her to be our “friend” and hang out at the house, help me cook, clean, and so on. I’m not fond of that because in my head I would rather it just be a one-off fling where we do it and maybe do it again with someone else if we decide to. Am I wrong for wanting it to just be super casual? Is he right for wanting her around more often? To me, it just seems that he wants two women around so that when one is busy/tired the other one can tap in and his needs can be met.
Sexually my needs are 9/10 met and I feel like his are more like 5/10. I also think most of my apprehension is that I don’t want him to find out I do like girls and have always wanted to be intimate with one. I enjoy lesbian porn alone as well as threesome porn very much and it gets me off in no time. I kind of feel if I let him in on this then it will turn into something he always wants to do when I don’t know if that’s what I’ll want to do more than once. Lastly, I don’t know how to find the girl! We are in our early 30s and I’m wondering whether we meet someone just out, on OnlyFans, maybe a high-end escort, or possibly a sex club. I’m just lost!
—Closet Freak
Dear Closet Freak,
It does sound like your boyfriend wants something more intimate and permanent than you’re open to. Spend some time thinking about what your boundaries are and what you’re willing to try.
Before you start looking for a potential third—temporary or long term—you and your boyfriend need to get on the same page about what you’re both seeking. Ask him what he wants from a third. Tell him your fears and concerns. Come to a clear agreement before you pursue this further—or if you can’t, he might need to abandon the idea altogether.
If you do decide to proceed with a threesome, do consider local laws. If you’re in, say, Nevada or Amsterdam hiring someone may be an option. You can also try sex clubs or meeting someone at a social event, and apps that allow couples to link their profiles such as Feeld.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m in a heterosexual relationship that started great until COVID happened. At first, sex was amazing but since COVID, my wife takes much more time to climax and I always finish first. She gets upset if she doesn’t reach her climax but she won’t let me continue until she reaches her orgasm even after I have. This situation has made me super insecure and I’ve considered taking some medication to attenuate my senses and last longer during sex. Should I go with meds or do you have an alternative solution to our issues?
—Too Fast, Too Furious
Dear Too Fast, Too Furious,
If your wife is able to orgasm without penetration you might try getting her off with manual stimulation and oral sex. Even if she isn’t, you might try more foreplay than usual—the closer she is to orgasm when the intercourse starts the more likely it is that she’ll orgasm before you.
There’s also no shame in modern medical science. You can try numbing agents like creams or sprays, or, yes, oral medication. Talk to your doctor before you decide to go that route, though.
—Stoya
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